I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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