she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize