Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize