So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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