why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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