Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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