and she was petting her beer can
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
