I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
