im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
