Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
