i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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