i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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