Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
