I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
