Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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