My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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