Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
