4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
