the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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