I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
