I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
