I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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