Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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