bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
