but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
