We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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