be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize