I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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