I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize