First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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