i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
