Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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