If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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