Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
