this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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