Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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