Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
