yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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