mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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