I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
