I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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