Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
