I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize