I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
