I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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