I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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