Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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