Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
