what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So much rum. So many feels.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
