we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
