i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
