I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
