My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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