Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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