My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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