You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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