Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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