dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
