We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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