he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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